Beckham alert

Looks like I'll have to move back to Scotland.

I flew here to get away from my home country's incessant preoccupation with C-list celebrities, fueled by a tabloid press that makes US grocery store mags look like models of restraint.

Since I got here, I've enjoyed America's total lack of interest in Ant and Dec, Carol Smillie or Claire Sweeney (I know what you're thinking - who are these people? Who cares?). But now comes the shocking news that David Beckham is on his way over.

Not a day went by in Britain where I didn't see Beckham's face in a newspaper or on TV, with his personal life laid bare (even the kind of toilet he had in his bathroom). Instead of Bennifer, we had Posh & Becks and it was worth leaving the country to escape the couple's continual media onslaught.

So I guess it's time to go, before I'm assailed by daily doses of Beckham coverage over here. Maybe I shouldn't go back to mainland Britain - I hear there's a little island for sale that I could try to snap up.

Oh, and Posh & Becks' toilets? They have his 'n' hers gold ones. Now that's class.