Even though I spent the first 31 years of my life in Great Britain, there aren't many things I miss about the Old Country. Here's a few:

1. Fish and chips.

Think those fish and chips at the English-theme restaurant are the real deal? Not on your nelly. I'd have to go back to Blighty for a real fish supper, with battered seafood and plump greasy chips smothered in vinegar and wrapped in paper.

2. Bovril.

This tasty meat spread can be imported from Canada, but customs regards any strange substance shipped over the border with great suspicion.

3. My mum.

Mum loves to sing and she enjoys a good knees-up (translation: party). A shindig just isn't a shindig without her.

4. Self-effacing British humor.

The kind of thing you don't miss till it's gone. US ads are so straight-laced and dull; the best British commercials are ironic, satirical and fun. Like this ad for Energy Wasting Day, which was held on April 1st 2008.





Love it. There's nothing funnier than a fat balding man in his underpants (unless I'm the guy in the underpants, and I've just locked myself out of the house on my way to pick up the morning paper).

Anyway, that's enough maudlin homesick blogging. If you're in Charleston and you love the Earth, there are several events coming up that you can read about on the City Paper website. Guaranteed no energy wasting.

Earth Day Pop Quiz

This week's Charleston City Paper is a green issue, with a bunch of ecological articles especially for Earth Day. It's got a very fancy diorama-style cover by Eric Vincent, a maniacally talented local artist and advertising guru:

On the CP website you can read about my wife Ros' horrible cycling accident and the steps local riders are taking to make the city a safe place to ride in Spinning Wheels. There's also a green pop quiz to find out if you're ecologically aware or just trailer trash.

Pop quiz #2 is in a similar vein. Are you green or just really stingy? In the words of CP managing editor Chris Haire it's "fucking great stuff man," and you can read it right here.

QUESTIONS

1. Shit. The price of gas has gone up again. What do you do?

A. You bitch about the price of gas.


B. Convert your diesel engine vehicle so that it runs on vegetable oil. If you ask nicely, many restaurants will give you their oil for free.


C. You tell your family your car won’t start and get them to push you to work



2. McDonald’s introduces a new dollar menu. Do you:

A. Try everything on the menu


B. Picket the chain to encourage it to stop using environmentally harmful products in refrigeration.


C. Their stuff is still too expensive. You put on the oldest clothes you can find and visit the Lowcountry Food Bank.



3. Charleston Water System announces its annual summer drought and you immediately:

A. Go water the lawn


B. Fit your kitchen faucet with an Aquasana filter. That way you won’t be purchasing bottled water with wasteful packaging.


C. Start saving your spit in a jar.



4. You’re shopping at the mall when you notice that someone’s dropped a ten dollar bill on the ground. You:

A. Ask around until you find someone who says they’ve just lost $10


B. Add it to $20 of your own money and use it to sign up as a Friend of the Coastal Conservation League


C. Stuff it in a sock under your mattress



5. Your local beach is littered with cigarette butts. Do you:

A. Add some of your own – if everyone else is doing it, there can’t be anything wrong with it.


B. Lead a “clean sweep” day to clear debris from the beach


C. Smoke ‘em now you’ve found ‘em.



6. On washday, you either:

A. Buy some new undies. What’s a few bucks to a big spender like you?


B. Make sure you have a full load in your washing machine before turning it on – anything less would be a waste of water and electricity.


C. What’s washday?



7. Whenever it’s your round at the bar, you:

A. Take your turn. Nothing’s too good for your friends.


B. Order a shot of Reyka vodka for everyone. This ultrapure Icelandic liquor is distilled through lava rock and produced with steam from a millennia-old lava field.


C. Hide



8. You can hear the unmistakable rumble of the garbage truck driving towards your house. Do you:

A. Shove everything in your wheelie bin


B. Place non-biodegradable trash in the bin, and glass, plastic, cans and tins in a blue bin provided by Charleston County’s Solid Waste and Recycling Department. Your newspapers and non-corrugated cardboard go in separate paper bags.


C. Fight the garbage man for the rocking chair thrown out by the old widow down the street



9. What do you do when you’re nearly out of toothpaste?

A. Buy a new tube


B. Make sure you squeeze every last ounce out of the tube so you’re not discarding more non-biodegradable packaging than you have to


C. Visit your neighbor and ask to borrow a bowl of toothpaste



10. At the end of the day when you’re tired and dirty, do you:

A. Have a long, luxurious shower


B. Take a brief shower with a low flow showerhead. That way the flow of the water will be under three gallons per minute, minimizing the amount of water you use.


C. Take a whore’s bath. The free kind.

RESULTS

Mostly A’s: You’re a regular Joe.

Mostly B’s: You’re certifiably green. A little zealous at times, maybe, but green nonetheless.

Mostly C’s: You’re stingy. Or a student.